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Wednesday, Jul. 09, 2003 at 8:17 p.m.

I just talked to M and asked her if she had talked to Seeking. She said she saw her on Monday night. Now I'm sad and a bit upset. I'm sad that they have all hung out together. I haven't seen M in a couple of weeks and I usually see her a few times a week. And then there's the fact that Seeking isn't returning my calls. I still haven't talked to her since Sunday afternoon. :( Why does this have to be so hard. I'm tired of feeling so hurt. *** After writing the above I decided that I should get out of the house. My days off are what get me through the days at work but then when they are here I often spend them alone, inside. That's when my thinking gets too focused on something. That's when I start to question who I am, what I'm doing, and who does or doesn't care. I had some videos to return and I'd been invited to a local pub for cheap wing night. So I met up with some lesbian friends. Unfortunately this group is all couples but it still felt good to be out and get out of my head for a bit. But i noticed that I'm still quiet. Still have a hard time saying what it is I want to say. Why didn't anyone ever teach me that it was ok to just interrupt. To just speak without worrying about whether the timing was right, or what you were about to say was appropriate. We were just talking about movies and I still had a hard time contributing. And as can be seen by my list I posted today. I am an arsenal of movie knowledge. I got a nmae of a counsellor that a friend of mine is seeing though. I think I'm going to give her a call tomorrow and see if I can book an appointment. Still haven't talked in here about my experience last week. But I have another date with her next week so I'm sure there will be much more to complain about. So I got home and there was a message from Seeking. She was on her way out to a movie but she wants me to call her at 1230am when she thinks she will be home. I guess that's in just half an hour. Not sure if I'm going to call or not though. She also said she was going to call last night but had a migraine. I guess I just shouldn't think so much about it. Or about her. It's all going to just happen how it's meant to anyway. But I really need to get out there and meet some more people. My world is so small right now and I'm lonely.  

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